…it’s a boy.

Posted in baby 9 Comments

so we’re at 18 weeks. it’s going by so fast this time…and relatively easy. hardly any nausea – where with B, I was sick to my stomach every second of every day for 5 months straight. I’ve just been really tired…but lately I’ve been able to stay up at night past 8:30, so I’m feeling a little like normal. I haven’t gained much weight and my belly still doesn’t look pregnant…just a little out of shape, I guess. But with both I’ve gained weight in my legs first and had constant nose bleeds, which sucks…but if that’s how my body needs to grow babies, then fine. I felt the first little movement last night…a fluttery little thing to the left of my belly button. At the first ultrasound, this one was really chill and probably sleeping, it hardly moved. With B, she only got 2 photos because he wouldn’t stop moving – just psychotically summersaulting over and over. And there’s no previa this time…I was high risk with a complete previa for 7 months of B’s and it’s nice not to be on pelvic rest and making extra trips to the doctor this time around. So. That’s where we’re at. We’ll find out the sex in a few weeks and we’ve got our names picked out and ready to go.

Posted in baby 4 Comments

I found out I was pregnant 6 weeks ago. and I cried, long and hard. I held B to my chest and my tears ran down his cheeks, down his arms, falling into my lap. I told alex that night after I put B to bed, sitting in the darkness of the living room, heavy heart beating through the perfect quiet. the tears came before I could get the words out, reflected in my husband’s eyes, twisted in his confusion.

“why are you crying?”

when I was pregnant with B, there was an instant, unbreakable disconnect from the world, from myself, from anyone around me. I got lost and blindly wallowed through the days as they merged into nights. I spent every single day of those nine months in fear that I wasn’t going to be enough for him, that he wouldn’t want me…that I would never find the person I used to be. That I would watch my world explode into a million little pieces and I would never be able to put them back together. That I was never meant to be a mother, that I would irreparably damage the son that I broke myself in two to bring into the world. I gave as much of my soul to my husband as I could, every piece of myself I could survive without, gave them to him without a second thought. And later I gave my son everything that was left, the pieces that hid in the shadows, the pieces I had forgotten were ever even there. With time, I thought, I would be able to do that again, maybe with another. To battle the disconnect, attempt to keep my world intact, to one more time scour the depths of my soul, my mind, my heart, and give everything I found to the child who grew inside me.

but I didn’t know that time would be now, I didn’t know if I could handle it. I didn’t know if I had anything left to give, when there are days I don’t feel like there’s enough left inside for me to survive, to keep me going. I didn’t know. And I was hit with panic, hit hard. And fear. And uncertainty and every other unholy thing that blocks out the sun.

and alex put his arms around me, let me cry the last of the tears into his shirt. and he wrote me a letter and the panic, the fear, began to subside, to ever so slowly begin to let me go. and we picked out names, began to talk like we’ve always been a family of four. and when I saw the baby’s heartbeat, I felt every intangible part of me wrap around it, pulled by a gravity no one else will ever feel.

and with that, I’m pregnant.

13 weeks and due in March.

the sun is out and shining bright.

Posted in baby, Musings 19 Comments